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Another Place

I watched a film the other night.  I borrowed it from the library.  The film was called the Tree of Life.  This film was a Cannes winner.  I did not know about this film before I watched it.  The film is impressionistic and has been said to be more like a prayer than a movie.  I have to agree.  To me the film unpeeled layers of grief to reveal a deeply personal portrayal of grief.  It revealed in visual form the nature of grieving.  I would guarantee that The Tree of Life will not appeal to everyone.  To me it was an unraveling of bewilderment and has given me a voice.

I feel as if I am waking up a little.  To visually describe my position would take the form of the Anthony Gormley sculpture ANOTHER PLACE.  I have been rooted to the spot when we first heard the news.  From that point to this the world and life have carried on as normal.  Tides rise and fall, seasons change and business goes on as usual.  I stood still inside.

Initially the shock and fear sharpened all my senses.  I saw things so clearly and started painting again.  I recorded the things of now.  It was as if appreciating the details of moments in time could somehow protect from the uncertain future.  The brittle nature of grief needed protecting with a blanket of real things.

I was not in denial, but held in suspended animation unable to focus.  Our fear has been tempered and our normal been absorbed.  Grief is like breathing smoke everyday.  In time, although it does not go away, it does learn to behave itself.

And so to the feeling of waking up.

It was Mothers Day yesterday.

I have a shift in perspective.  I do not think the goal posts have moved.  I do not feel as if everything has moved on around me so much now, I feel less disconnected.  My shrunken world has become obsolete.

And I have no words for this…………

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After all, the branches stripped bare give perspective, a better, clearer view.  Structure is revealed.

Reflections

DSCN2802I have been at a loss to know how to blog.  But today I think I just say how it is and that everything is not all bad.

We had some very precious days during this summer.  Fun filled and full of life.

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We have learned some very important things about living.  We have learned to treasure every moment (well most of them).  We feel that up till now we have lived lives with eyes half open.  Our eyes have been opened to see the importance of important things.

We understand now how in the desert there are oasis and that the sources are often unexpected.  We have laughed and cried and raged and prayed.  We have now accepted a new kind of normal for us.  This normal now is set to change to another level as we leave next weekend for new treatment in London.  The cancer is extremely rare, very aggressive and rarely, if ever seen in children.  None of the team of doctors has treated this cancer in a child before.  We are booked in for experimental treatment.  The road ahead is a rocky one, but we have also learned that we only have enough courage to face one day at a time.

I have found Perkins who is waiting for a new home!

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I have given this handknit a new home

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I have just started to spin enough for a jumper (maybe).  This is Whitefaced Woodland and I am spinning it longdraw which is also a new challenge for me.  Spinning was something I have only just started to do again.  I found it gave me too much time for reflection and so could not face it all summer.  Now I find it soothing and peaceful.

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I have had some great shows, particularly Wonderwool and Yarndale this year.  I have some to look forward to next year too.

In short life goes on.  Studded with joys and treasures among the grey days and dark nights.  We are still together and we have fun and laughter when we can take it.  We have just learned how to dig a little deeper.

DSCN2863We made a happy jumper!!

Dog babies.

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Cor blimey! This has turned into nothing but puppy palace.

Ah well, if you can’t beat them, join them.

p.s. I still very much love the puppies, and it’s sad but also incredibly relieving to see them finding homes already. Living with thirteen dogs is getting somewhat challenging…

Pups and Spins

First things first!  Just look at what arrived this morning after a very long night…..

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9.  Yes NINE!!! 

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SO proud and pleased

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At the beginning of the week I spent a long long day (until midnight) dying some roving.  I am pleased with the results.

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So please in fact that I want to spin it all!!  So allowed myself 2 lots of BFL.

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When my new bobbins arrive I will ply them and show you the results.

 

This all makes the year so far not so bad.  To date the barn is broken as is the dog (not the mum), the microwave, the washing machine, the spin dryer, the tumble dryer and the car (impressively all by Feb 4th).  We are flooded YET AGAIN and the roof leaks.  But now we have 9 perfect puppies and all seems well!

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Growing Pains and Falling in Love

 

I have been remiss. It was my birthday last week and I had the most fabulous day. I worked the morning and then my youngest daughter and I had a great afternoon in Frome. We went in loads of shops we had not been in before and I bought a horse, and here he is!

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I am over the moon with him. He was hanging in the middle of the shop calling to me and I fell in love in an instant. I now believe in love at first sight! It happened to me which is proof enough in my mind.

 

I also went a little bit crazy in that week and acquired a rocking chair which is ugly and gorgeous and now much loved. I am going to attempt to crochet a cover for said chair. This may be a non event for most people but believe me crochet is the most excruciating event for me. I am a knitter through and through and through. Crochet is painfully slow to grow and a skill which does not come easily to me. But I want a granny square blanket for a granny chair for a granny, so I consider this motivation enough to persevere.

 

Talking of growing pains…………………….

 

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These characters are exhausting and delightful in equal quantities! I LOVE LOVE LOVE them (mostly!!) and they are growing every minute and growing in confidence and in the scale of experiments they attempt. Lush puppies!!

 

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch I am dyeing for Wales, WONDERWOOL!! Come and see me there next weekend, with all my new goodies.