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Tag Archives: Hope

Christmas Magic and Madness

Is it me or does something happen in Setpember which causes the rest of the year to slip by as if on greased wheels?  Why do the last 4 months of the year zoom by?  Comparatively the first 4 months of the a new year sort of bump along as if travelling over a rutted farm track.  Oh well, I am not going to change it, so I must accept it, even as a bystander just standing almost clear of the escalator.

Lets start with carnival.  I took Mollie to Glastonbury Carnivalway way back in November.  It was a huge effort and freezing cold, but just magical!  I can’t think which I enjoyed more – her face or the huge effort and time put in to the floats.  Always a spectacle but especially seen through the eyes of a child (sorry, young adult)!

Most importantly the vest BEST event of the year.

Dec 4th 2018 005

Then there was the show.  The slow show.  Unfortunately it was the weekend between black friday and cyber monday!  Enough said.  However I met some lovely people and traders (also people – incidentally).  Overall a bit disappointing but I would do it again as its a local show.

So it looks like loads, and maybe thats where the time went?  But it has taken me so long to recover!  I am still battling with nausea and exhaustion on a daily basis.  I have new tablets to take which have helped a bit.  Pacing myself is something I dont excel at.  In fact I hardly know how to do it!  But I am going to have to make a pact, if not friends with this new state of being if I am going to get anywhere.  Mind over matter does not apply when my body is working against my mind all the time.  My body is not making a terrible fuss, I admit, currently we are getting along, mostly, but this debilatating exhaustion and now nausea are the check point in every day.  When energy is a limited resource I need to learn to spend it wisely.  This I find upsetting.  I mean cancer would be ok if one didnt feel so dreadful some of the time.  Like childhood, wellness is becoming a dim and distant memory.

But I do count my blessings so to speak.  I am still active and I do still achieve.  Mostly this activity keeps me positive and forward looking.  An altered state of being is a strange concept to live with.  Like watching yourself and how you react without being fully present.

Odd.

 

 

Another Place

I watched a film the other night.  I borrowed it from the library.  The film was called the Tree of Life.  This film was a Cannes winner.  I did not know about this film before I watched it.  The film is impressionistic and has been said to be more like a prayer than a movie.  I have to agree.  To me the film unpeeled layers of grief to reveal a deeply personal portrayal of grief.  It revealed in visual form the nature of grieving.  I would guarantee that The Tree of Life will not appeal to everyone.  To me it was an unraveling of bewilderment and has given me a voice.

I feel as if I am waking up a little.  To visually describe my position would take the form of the Anthony Gormley sculpture ANOTHER PLACE.  I have been rooted to the spot when we first heard the news.  From that point to this the world and life have carried on as normal.  Tides rise and fall, seasons change and business goes on as usual.  I stood still inside.

Initially the shock and fear sharpened all my senses.  I saw things so clearly and started painting again.  I recorded the things of now.  It was as if appreciating the details of moments in time could somehow protect from the uncertain future.  The brittle nature of grief needed protecting with a blanket of real things.

I was not in denial, but held in suspended animation unable to focus.  Our fear has been tempered and our normal been absorbed.  Grief is like breathing smoke everyday.  In time, although it does not go away, it does learn to behave itself.

And so to the feeling of waking up.

It was Mothers Day yesterday.

I have a shift in perspective.  I do not think the goal posts have moved.  I do not feel as if everything has moved on around me so much now, I feel less disconnected.  My shrunken world has become obsolete.

And I have no words for this…………

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After all, the branches stripped bare give perspective, a better, clearer view.  Structure is revealed.