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The Very Big C Word

There has been way too long a gap!  No excuses and no apologies.

Life in Somerset continues alongside pretty much any other rural setting.  Seasons come and go each with its own beauty.  Our late winter saw spectacular snow drifts which towered above the lanes in beautiful arcs and waves.  An awesome introduction to proper snow for Stitch!  Spring rushed by in a flash followed by an incredible summer.  What a wonderful spell of warm, dry, long days.  I have seldom seen such a parched landscape with cracks in the clay soil which you could hide in.  And now, a mellow, soft warm autumn.

What a year its been!  My eldest grandaughter turned 13!  Despite various health issues, she is still in remission (a year now), which is wonderful.  She developed Diabetes type 1 which has seriously impeded her life, but we manage and are grateful for everyday as it comes.

My third daughter expects her first child (a girl – well, we do those so well!), in October.  When her husband was asked how heavy he thought the baby would be, he scratched his head and replied 9 stone. (???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  So we shall see!!  This is so exciting as we have not had a baby in the family for 6 years!  So much anticipated.

Unfortunately. here is the place that I will own my diagnosis of Myeloma.  This is a rare blood cancer which is incurable.  So there we go, I said it.  I think I have been ashamed to own it and in denial, trying not to say it so that it will not be true.  But it is.  The worst thing is the uncertainty, life hangs in limbo.  There are no set plans or timelines as this is a difficult and complicated cancer which affects everyone in a variety of ways.  Prognosis is one way, but there are different treatments which can stave off the inevitable.

Life.  So short, so precious, so uncertain, so fragile.

I adore my dogs.  I was training up for competition in Agility and we had put lots of work and time into this.  This is not possible.  I pulled out of competition as I can not run the dogs now.  So I am re-homing Stitch who is just over a year now.  It breaks my heart.  But I love her way too much not to give her the best life I can.  A lovely family who had her mum’s only sister in the same litter, is fostering her.  Stitch has been on a few holidays with the family and she looks so happy when she is there, and they adore her.  So I know this is the right thing to do for her.  It still breaks my heart.

These are the hard things.  Also selling stock and ‘stuff’.  Feels like selling my hopes and dreams.  But I dont want my kids to have to sort it all out.  So I have got focus now.  What I can reasonably expect to do and what is beyond me.  Making is my healing space.  Making focuses my mind and helps me have purpose.  Achievable aims.

So I think I will document as much as I feel able my walk with cancer.  My life with cancer.

About jillybeanyarns

Artist, maker, creative mess-maker. Expert in complications and chaos. #livingwithcancer

3 responses »

  1. I’m so sorry to read the news and hope that treatment can hold it back as long as possible..
    Sad to part with your pets and “stuff”, on the other hand you’re making sure some things are arranged as best as can be. There’s still the love and warmth of your family ❤ All the best and may the force be with you

  2. Dear Jill,
    I have just read your post. I was so thrilled to hear that your grand daughter was in remission but then so shocked and saddened by your own news. Words of comfort fail me. I want to shake the universe by the scruff of its neck and scream at it…’Haven’t they had enough!’. You of course are more gracious then I. I wish you strength, and ease, and peace. By co-incidence I am knitting up the last of my Jillybean sock scraps and you have been on my mind. I was thrilled to see a post from you. Yes, If you can manage it, blog your way to coping with this. We will be here. We will listen. Or don’t, we will still be thinking of you. Fierce hugs to you. Rebecca

  3. Thank you Rebecca. So kind of you to leave such a thoughtful kind comment. I would love to gift you some more of my British (local) Yarn if you would like? Not sure how to safely obtain you address? Ravelry? PM me with what weight and colour you would like and I will see if i can match it. It would bring me joy to know that you will be knitting it up and treasuring it. x


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