So this year slides by without engagement or recognition. All my well meaning intentions and resolves have dried up along with the passing weeks.
My beautiful puppies have all left for pastures new. Exciting new opportunities and adventures for each one in perfect, loving homes. Phew!! The last 3 went this week and I admit to having to go on a soggy walk to clear out my sense of loss. Ridiculous really but 2 of them I became extremely fond of, and I miss them.
On the family news, its very sad. I struggle at the moment to process and deal with fast and furious uncertainty. I battle with hope and despair on an hourly basis.
I have tried to fit in an hours knitting a day. This is not always possible. But I have enjoyed a slightly challenging knit. A knit which engages me so I have to concentrate, but that does not require my undivided attention. This has been made possible through Ravelry groups and also through finishing projects with which I am pleased.
I am exhausted in every sense of the word but try to keep going and positive. Animals help bring routine to my days and they do remind me to laugh and enjoy. I have tried to mix work with time to indulge for a few moments.
It feels like limitations have been placed around what I took for granted as being my ‘normal’. Ambition and competitive notions drained through the gaps. An internal net shrunk in the ‘wash’ and gathered more closely around a core of what I suppose is actually ‘me’. Soul searching and transparency have found me wanting, barely adequate to face myself let alone the world around me.
Everybody hurts. Everybody wears pain differently. There is treasure in the depths if we can help each other to unlock it.
I have learned to love more and listen more and feel less ashamed. I have not sorted life out at all but I have learned to take a hand when it is offered and to offer my own. I hope I am learning humility and grace. I hope that I am making a life worth living and loving, somehow carving a wiggly path through the non -sense.
Pleasure in loving life and what if offers. Loving the indulgences of making and colours and creativity. Loving the access to other minds and company. And trying not to burn on a short fuse when it all seems a bit overwheming.
Maybe this post is self indulgent. I just wanted to get it out there to leave some space in my head.
In the mean time my gorgeous dog is having his pockets picked at the vet while I speak. This was a decision made to ease life that tiny bit (my perspective not his). Ummmmm…………